Beer festivals

There are lots of things in life that Itchy loves. Dancing to Huey Lewis and the News. And Aerobies. And documentaries about ‘unusual people’ where you can point and stare. And cocktail bars. And ice cream vans with murderous jingles. And we do like a bit of beer. Or more often than not, a lot of beer.

One of the best places to have a lot of beer is at a beer festival, and up and down the country there are always plenty of these going on, from small scale tastings where local pubs get in a few extra barrels of something special to enormous national events like the Great British Beer Festival in August. There’s always a great range of beers on offer, and while you can be fairly sure that there’ll be none of the mass-produced fizzy dishwater that passes for lager in yuppie wine bars, you’re liable to find anything from meaty stouts and porters through to rare Belgian beers brewed by reclusive Trappist monks.

Now we know that usually with beer it’s a case of open the hatch and down it goes, but the brews at these events deserve a bit more attention. Beer can have just as many subtle flavours and nuances (yeah, nuances – we know what we’re talking about) as wine, and there’s always a hefty crew of real ale buffs in attendance at beer festivals. And you wouldn’t want to seem like an amateur now would you? Here’s how to pretend like you’re one of them…

The eye
Hold the glass up to the light. Your beer could be all kinds of colours, but unless it’s a wheat beer it should be shiny, clear and free of any sediment. You don’t want to be chewing on your pint. It doesn’t have to have a head (a lot of Southern beers don’t), but if it does then it should be nice and creamy. It should not bring back memories of the scum floating on the top of ‘second bathwater’ when you were a kid.

The nose
Put your hand over the top of the glass and give it a good swirl about, then take your hand away and honk on those fumes. Some beers will smell quite flowery, fruity or even chocolatey, If you can’t pin anything specific down but it still smells quite strong, talk loudly about it being ‘hoppy’. This will gain you instant reespeck from your fellow boozers.

The taste
Take a big mouthful. Right, here’s the technical bit. Malts are sweet, so you taste them at the front of the mouth, while hops are sour, so you get them at the back as it goes down. Look out for any of the same flavours you noticed when you were sniffing. And there’s none of that spitting it out like you’re supposed to do with wine. Knock that bad boy back and move on to the next one. Waste not want not.

The look
By far the most important element is your disguise as a real ale drinker. You will need a pair of old jeans and a T-shirt. The T-shirt should preferably be from a previous beer festival, but if you can’t get your hands on one of those then anything featuring a classic metal band will do. Top of the list are Metallica, Iron Maiden and AC/DC. You will also need a beard. Grow one if you can, and if you can’t (or are a girl) then a fake one will do just as well, if not better.

To find out more about festivals at which you can drink delicious beer, visit: Camra

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