Heinous habits of cinemagoers

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Cinematic experiences can be a miserable affair. Sometimes you choose the wrong film, and what you thought was a racy action thriller turns out to be a three-hour period drama. Occasionally you stumble upon a stinker of a venue, in which the dirt, smell and heat is far more memorable than the film itself. But usually the problem comes with your fellow cinemagoers.

It's easy to see why the rich and famous install private cinema rooms in their homes, yachts, and jets. They might not watch the latest releases (unless they've made their money from movies or pirating) but they can at least watch the film in peace. Such luxury is not, sadly, available at Odeon.

The first on trial for crimes against the cinemagoer is the Popcorn Stuffer. A well-known species – they've been annoying people for generations - this is not just any old snack-eater. No. The Popcorn Stuffer is someone who, for some unfathomable reason, spends the entire film digging through their box of popcorn. The food at the top of the box is apparently not good enough; they have to search for the 'good bits' at the bottom. Well Itchy's got news for them: the popcorn's all the same. Stop playing with your snack and watch the damn film.

The Plot Whisperer is equally annoying. Guilty parties are almost always couples. One half of the couple doesn't understand what's going on, so asks the other half for guidance. Other half rolls eyes (luckily not visible in dark cinemas) then gives brief explanation. Confused half remains confused, but thinks that a conversation has now been struck up. Annoying, whispered chat ensues. Fellow viewers issue silent death wishes. The film ends, but everyone is confused because they have all been thinking about torture methods for the Plot Whisperers instead of concentrating on the film.

Bladder Bashers are particularly unforgiveable. If you find yourself needing to visit the toilets more than once a film, use a bottle or get some medical advice. The NHS does a good line on colostomy bags.

Itchy's guidelines for Coughers - one of the more common cinema beasts - are also simple. If it's a violent, chesty or cancerous cough, mild sympathy is permitted, perhaps encouraged; but if people want to spend the entire evening clearing their throat, mild violence is the best course of action.

Probably heading the list on cinema's Most Wanted is the Armrest Thief. Itchy accepts that armrest politics can be tricky – it's not often you have to share something so crucial with a stranger - but some people take this as an opportunity to release their innermost wanker. This is not good. The solution, as with most cinema etiquette, is to be considerate. Otherwise everyone will bring in meat cleavers and start chopping off limbs.

You have been warned.

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