Itchy's dictionary of dahling
Ever felt that the culture-savvy seem to dwell on a higher intellectual plane than the rest of us? Well never fear – behind their luvvie lingo, refined-sounding folk have the same thoughts, hopes and fears as us crude proletarians. Have a peep at Itchy's thesp thesaurus to find out what they're really on about.
On theatre
'I found the final act deeply moving.' – The end was just like Last of the Mohicans.
'His sense of comic timing left something to be desired.' – I've had funnier episodes of food poisoning.
'I felt the costumes were rather avant-garde.' – I could almost see Juliet's nipples in that corset.
On music
'I don't much care for their notion of ensemble.' – I'm going to piss in a bottle and throw it at the drummer.
'I've always had a sense of vocation about the arts.' – Why don't we start a band? I've got an old cowbell I stole from school and you could play the harmonica.
On dancing
'Oh my, I'm all left feet this evening!' – We both know that I was dry-humping your leg just then, but let's never speak of it again, eh?
'Nothing like a foxtrot to aid one's constitution.' – I'm shagged. Where's the bar?
On wine
'This wine's really got legs.' – And I won't when I've had enough of it.
'A young and bold number, with zesty notes of rosemary and field mushroom.' – This one was the second cheapest on the menu.
On art galleries
'I find the figurative liberties of proto-classical sculpture highly diverting.' – Hee hee, look at the massive wanger on that statue. I wonder if they sell replicas in the shop.
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