How to be a Bristolian Bond

James Bond Quantum of solace edinburgh daniel craig

Bristol was a bad ass city once - back in the day. With flourishing trades in slavery and tobacco, there were plenty of villains to get your teeth into, and a whole lot of dirty money to throw around recklessly (or rub over the women's torsos).

But what of now? What do you do when you have a licence to kill in a Bristol dominated by yummy mummies and foppish aristocratic students? Itchy has prepared a guide for wannabe Bristolian Bonds...

First things first - you need to get kitted out.

The relocated House of Fraser in Cabot Circus might help you out with this one. Agonise over whether to purchase the black cashmere turtleneck sweater but finally opt for a navy suit. Suave. Bond girls out there should head to Repsycho in Bishopston and don a 1960s mini dress.

Now it's time for action. But where do you get suitably armed? Damn Bristol and its general lack of illegal firearms! Why is it always about who you know with these things...?

Only option is to race to the Empire and Commonwealth Museum's gallery on conflict and control. Grab a revolver and a rifle from the display cabinet, hop into your car, and start chasing a suspected spy.

Car chases are a bit Connery, though, so it'll soon be time to get on the water. Head to the harbourside, and find yourself a boat.

At this point, don't rush into any decisions - Thekla might not be the best choice for a getaway craft as it is brimming with dancing indie kids. Drat.

Having saved the world in time for evening drinks, it's time to relax. Try your hand at the Grosvenor Casino, and win everything with flawless ease.

You are cool. You are wanted.

Time for a nightcap with that smouldering Chechen and her thighs of steel. Attix Champagne and Cocktail Lounge on Park Street accommodates nicely.

Though thrilling as Bristol is to 007, perhaps it's no longer the best place to find international criminals plotting to destroy the world.

It's great for coffee shops and boutiques though.

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