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Spirit and mixer

Itchy's guide to spook hunting

You might have heard people talking about the new Nicolas Cage flick, Ghost Rider, where the ageing Elvis wannabe plays an undead stunt biker on a quest to kill Satan’s son. It seems that in this modern age, a good old spook story is more popular than ever, so why not get busy formulating one of your own? Britain is supposedly the world’s most haunted island, so it stands to reason that if you keep your eyes open on a night out you’re bound to cross paths with a ghost or two sooner or later. OR at least that's how you can sell your mates on your pub tale. Check out Itchy’s guide to where you might find the more common sorts of ghoul, along with their associated hazards and ways to make sure you don’t end up joining them. Insert them liberally into your tale, and you've got a rip-roaring yarn ready to go. Especially given the haunted venue we've included at the end as the place to tell your tale...

The Jilted Woman

Appearance: Hailing from a time when people got dumped without the consolations of Sex and the City and white chocolate, she emits high-pitched wailing sounds and wears a ragged wedding dress.
Location: Tends to loiter mournfully in bars running speed-dating events.
Hazard: A man-hater with several hundred years’ experience, this Germaine Greer-a-like likes to chew the ears off male drinkers.
Solution: A little bit of support from the sisters. Find her a hen party to latch on to and she’ll be dancing her sorrows away to Cyndi Lauper in no time.

The Lost Child

Appearance: Among the spookiest of spectres, look out for a small blonde kid in grubby pyjamas asking where his mother/teddy/left leg has gone.
Location: Lloyd’s bar, where all the fresh-faced young things hang out.
Hazard: Tends to kill the party vibe with his sobbing and tales of woe.
Solution: If bribing the little whinger to push off with Dairylea and Sunny D doesn’t work, have a word with the bouncers and get them to check his ID. He’ll be out on his arse in no time.

The Headless Cavalier

Appearance: Dressed in the authentic costume of the English Civil War, you can tell him apart from a member of a historical re-enactment society by the fact that he carries his severed bonce under his arm.
Location: Laughing his head off in a comedy club.
Hazard: Easily offended, the Cavalier is quick to draw his sword in an argument and demand ‘satisfaction’. By which he means your immediate and violent death.
Solution: Get a few beers down his neck and all will be forgiven.

The Former Landlord

Appearance: Easily distinguished by his shabby clothes, the reek of stale beer and the shrunken, bloodshot eyes of the alcoholic. Be careful not to mistake him for the current landlord.
Location: Your local flick-knife boozer.
Hazard: Does not appreciate wisecracks about serving spirits, and gets increasingly aggressive round supping-up time.
Solution: Never a good idea to mess with a guy whose last words were probably ‘Last orders’. Best do what he tells you to.

The Hanged Man

Appearance: This unrepentant sinner wears prison fatigues and walks around with his head cocked at a jaunty angle. And not in a sexy way.
Location: Literally the oldest swinger in town, he stalks the meat market super-clubs looking for a partner in crime.
Hazard: Can scare other clubbers with his gallows humour.
Solution: See if you can set him up with the Jilted Woman for a night of no-ropes-attached filth and fun.

Somewhere in Oxford that Itchy would like to haunt:

Turf Tavern 

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