Itchy Oxford article

Right on Queue

Ways to amuse yourself while you wait

Do you ever find yourself standing in a long line to enter a club, get a drink, or go for a pee? Then you'll find Itchy's Q-tips on ways to amuse yourself while you hang about worth their wait in gold...


Get the party started before you even hit the floor. Just bring a bag of thick elastic bands to hand out to fellow
queue-tey pies, and get everyone to pluck a different note.



When you're at the bar, try blowing over the tops of bottles to entertain the other punters. If you're good enough, they might throw you enough loose change to pay for your drink.


Before striding out, get down to the pound shop and buy a big bottle of the foulest perfume you can find, or even better, nip to a fishing shop and get your mitts on a bottle of lobster essence used for scenting baits. When waiting for a loo cubicle, pretend to be a toilet attendant, and offer exiting punters a free spritz of 'fragrance'. Every pongy person you zap with your minging musk is one fewer rival to compete against in the pulling stakes.


Or you can try the following trick. Start your evening at home by chowing down on beans and bhuna. Later, when you find yourself so far back in line that the folk at the front are in a different postcode, let the gas go. Watch the crowds shrink as they run from your stink, and try to figure out who it was who let rip. Don't strain too hard though, unless you fancy wandering home with the contents of your bowels sloshing around your smalls.

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